This morning I stood up for myself in front of an expert in the art of ignoring other people. The ignorer seemed unconcerned of course, but I did it anyway. The great thing is that I did it without anger, without the drama I sometimes attach to my feelings in order to justify having them.
I don’t think my message made a dent. Bland unchanging expression, barely a reaction. You don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist.
Expressing myself in the face of such indifference was a small act of faith in the idea that my feelings do matter, despite seeming evidence to the contrary. This might be bravery with a microscopic “b,” but still.
Here are some more microbraveries for today:
I scheduled a few outings that will bring me face-to-face with new challenges – rock climbing and an improv class (so much fear there, I will have to dedicate a week to it when the time comes).
One small fear faced today – the fear of asking for what I know I am entitled to. My daughter is enrolled in a tutoring program where she periodically earns gift cards as a reward for progress. She earned one today but her tutor didn’t give it to her. I actually was nervous about asking for it. What if he was annoyed? What if I was wrong and he thought I was trying to cheat him or something? It was a simple oversight, of course, and he thanked me for reminding him. Seriously – why am I like this? Catholic upbringing? Vitamin D deficiency? Just plain crazy?